NazReens WebLog

I don wanna be a gal who’s gonna bother what others gotta say for I know I have my own unique ways

I don wanna be that gal who tears each night she falls unto bed for I know I have strength to fight my bad days

I don wanna be the gal who would ever loose her drive for I have found more fuel; I’m gonna keep that fire ever alive

I don wanna be that gal whom u could knock on her head for i MIND U! I’ve found my courage to climb over ur head

I don wanna be that gal so innocent so ignorant anymore for yeap I have come to realise I’m not a kid anymore *sigh*

To those challenges lying ahead : I salute YOU; It’s U I m waiting to face

To seek heights :

Find the hurdles

Face the hurdles

Fight the hurdles

THE NEWER ME ……. :)

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Just few more days to my special day! Or shall I call it an unforgettable day! A day which everyone is looking forward except me.. Time passed like a wind. Things changed from time to time. Priorities changed as the days passed on! But memories still remains unleashed. I’m not sad that you left me cos I know there is someone else out there who will take care of me way better then you will. But the feel of being dumped and cheated still haunts me.

I was so closed into falling back to u the other day! But that love for someone I have now made me stay strong and move on. I understand the guilt you and your family maybe facing. Well something which I can forgive but never forget. Well I always felt guilty to whatever have happen despite for what every physical and mental torture I went through. But now I feel that it’s waste of my time, energy and my precious life. So much of  sleepless nights, unpeaceful sleeps, nightmares and etc etc. I can say this on and on.. That much of uncertainty in my life.

I forced myself to stay uncontrolled. Even I got back my freedom, I did all sorts of things to bring that feel to me. As I’m surrounded with fear all over. I tried not to bother about anything.Its something I wish to forget for good!!!

There are still questions running in my mind which I’m searching for answers. What happen after that day?? What happen after that when things were sorted out?? What happen to the love and obsession you had?? Why did you let things go that way?? When I was going through trouble; “sorry” was the only thing you could say?? But why?? If so why did u leave me so much of love and hurts in my heart when it turn out to be this way? Things may not have been very good previously.. But things would have been good after that. Cos that’s when I realised everything.. So why???

You have shattered everything in my life.

The bond between me and my family is no more because of you!

The trust my family had in me is no more because of you!

The peace in my family is no more because of you!

My dreams were shattered because of you!

My sacrifices are worthless because of you!

Too many pressure and things are happening here because of you!

But it’s not going to go over my head! Even I’m still in the midst of finding solutions for that I believe that my parents will eventually understand me and let the things go my way!

You started it on my birthday 2 yrs back and I really hope there will be a fullstop this birthday! Birthday is a special day for everyone! And you have left a mark on it ?? Hmm..

I still believe things will change after this year and by my next birthday, at least I’ll have to be successful in something.. At least, even its something small ….

I’m blessed with a good family. I’m blessed with plenty of friends who love and care for me. They are the pillar of  my strength, motivation and happiness… I love them :)

Best wishes to myself…. =)

One and Only

Naz :)

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Each time I feel some happiness why am I thinking twice?

Each time when it sinks into me why is it that it seldom lasts?

Each time I gain some strength why is it that I’m taking it light?

Each time when I feel that rage, why is it that it’s for a short while?

Each time I smile for me, why do I fear of that smile? What am I cautious about?

Each time even a small little thing, why does let me so very down? Why have I become so fragile?

Now with the glimpse of that rainbow, why and what am I STILL tensed about?

Why do I seek my space to recall and reflect of stuff?

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Well yesterday was the day I was very much looking forward. First and foremost is because the release of Twilight Saga New Moon and secondly would be meeting all my galfriends after so long.

Actually my actual off day was suppose to be today! But there were some plans yesterday! I requested to change my off day! Thanks to one of my colleague for being understanding and taking up my duty.

Hmm.. Its just about 6-7 days for me to add on a yr to my age… God!! Am turning 22!! Yeah ..  among my friends I may be the youngest.. But I feel I’m getting old which is freaking me out big time!!! I’m already 22 and what are my achievements?? What have I done?? Is it enough?? What more to go??

Well I met my cousin sisters after quite some time. Well the last time I saw them was their wedding respectively. Things totally changes after that. Its very hard to catch them. No time to visit them. Well the good thing was that they took half day to come and see me… Awww sweet isn’t it ??  Well yeah miss them loadz to the max! We decided to meet for lunch at Causeway Point this time… Surprisingly I was early this time.. Or shall I say they were late.. =D Well initial plan was to meet them @ 2pm.  But both my cousins were held up @ work and so we only met around 3pm. Well the very first cousin I saw was Nish akka.. I was waiting for her at the MRT control station. The moment I saw her we started screaming and hugging each other with full of joy and happiness… The very moment we started talking stories.. She was telling about her new life and how she copes with it. I was already lost in thoughts when she was sharing with me whatever things which are changed in her life after marriage. Well she looked more bubbly now. Keke.. As in she put on weight! Oooops! One thing a girl would fear the most… !!! Lolzz.. and then we headed to banquet.. Haha both of us were very hungry! and since my the other cousin already had her lunch at work; she asked us to proceed first. Well.. By the time we head to the 7th storey, another cousin sister was already at the venue & so we decided to wait for her @ Banquet itself ….  Well this time this cousin sister was looking extremely pale! *Sigh* The different between both of them is; one is love marriage where else the other one is arranged marriage. And the sister who is arranged marriage looked more happier to me then the love marriage sister. Well I’m not gonna further emphasise on whatever we spoke about, but I was analysing both my sisters and well as always lost in words. There was nothing more for me to say as well. Just gave a listening hear. I was very much prepared to meet them, because I knew whatever we discuss before marriage and after marriage. But I felt things were really hard to handle then I thought.!

Ok now about the meet with my gals!! Haha.. If Bella was to be prone to accidents, I’m prone to losing my way! I may have visited that place several times; but It does take sometime to register it into my mind. Lolzz.. People call me wierd for not liking town. As its always a happening place!!! Well peepz.. Its not that I don’t like town! But I don’t like CROWD!!! =D How would I not like town when my both favourite bookstores are there and moreover its my favourite shopping spot.. *winx**winx* Well meeting the gals were the one which I was looking forward the most… Very first thing we did was run to cineleisure from the MRT station.. Lolzz.. Really a fun day yesterday! First we went to watch the movie, New Moon. After the movie, we went to have our dinner at Burger King! Well this time we really spoke alot!! We were just going on and on and on till we didn’t know the time was already 11. :D Well after that we went to see lightings for a while. One of my friend came to fetch us back home…

Hmm.. after the whole day.. I’ve been really feeling crazy and wierd about the whole thing… Well I went to bed after watching Pavithra Rishta. Loadz of things I was puzzled about… I was also happy after meeting my friends.. A little worried about my sisters. Having nightmares frequently…. Sleep talking has been always something I have been encountering for few yrs already… Just too worried about my future.. and What I’m up too…

Sighh.. Will share more later… & my POV of the movie New Moon is coming up soon. ;)

One and Only

Naz ;)

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I feel like giving up something which I have been holding on dearly for so long.  I’ve been seriously giving a serious thought about this but the voices in my mind are just asking me to leave it. Ever since things changed; I’ve started losing hope and its demotivating me very much. Lack of concentration and motivation ; I’m just a walking stick around for the sake. I feel like I’m in search of a newer dream. But what exactly it is??? Hmmm…

What’s there to go on when its no longer satisfying me ?? It’s no longer giving me happiness anymore..?? Or even satisfaction ?? How much long can I rekindled the flame again and again and again ?? I feel everything is becoming useless now.. Its becoming meaningless now… I came here for a purpose and the purpose is to achieve my goal and do something I like… But what exactly I’m doing now?? I was promised to do something else… So what if its a big organisation?? So what if ppl say a “Wow” when they hear where I’m working… Besides my team.. I can see that others are just taking advantage of our youth and giving a job with is not “suppose” to be done by us! Again I very much know that I’m still under observation and internship.. But i miss spending time with my kids.. I miss spending time with people.. Hearing them talking to me… Not talking to my senior and evaluate and observe from them right?? And what’s up with residence meeting has got to do with me??? which makes me stay till midnight? Crazy isn’t it?? *sigh* I’ve nvr complained abt my job and tried to love it for the sake of the great people I work with …  But I guess am feeling a little tired about it now! :) Loosing hope ???!???

In 10 yrs down the road I should see myself as a well-known Psychotherapist (Counsellor) of my own centre…  =)

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